ORTHOPAEDIC JOKE SECTION:-
 

 

The following section is a light hearted view of the practice of orthopaedics.
No offence is meant to those suffering from orthopaedic illness nor do any
of the characteristics of orthopaedic surgeons portrayed relate to any or all
orthopaedic surgeons living, dead or in training - .
You may however recognise yourself !
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Things Orthopaedic Surgeons Sometimes Say.

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Important guides to life

 

 

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The Rough Guide to Health Service Management

 

Management is a vital part of the health service. The relationship between managers and doctors is often portrayed as one that is difficult, fraught with disagreement and argument. Of course the real reason for such passions lie in the commitment each group has for their ideas of what makes a successful service. Balancing the books, providing stable institutional structures and making sure the patient and their treatment comes first  is never easy and they often seem to be incompatible. In the following no offence in meant to individuals in health service management, government departments or my clinical colleagues. Unless we have the ability to look critically at what we do and laugh at it we are doomed. If you think that's difficult try being a medical manager and combine both sides and fall out with yourself!

 

 

Poem dedicated to Clinical Directors in Health service management!

 

Forget about management training - if you do not have all of the

Characteristics described in the following poem you will not

survive being a clinical director.

'If' by Rudyard Kipling


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Are you sure you want to be clinical director - try Audit lead instead!

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Management Phrase Book - How to understand management

 

 

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Medical Phrase book for Managers - How to Understand Doctors

 

 

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Translating Management Speak

 

Management Speak: That's very interesting.
Translation: I disagree.

Management Speak: I don't disagree.
Translation: I disagree.

Management Speak: I don't totally disagree with you.
Translation: You may be right, but I don't care.

Management Speak: You have to show some flexibility.
Translation: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

Management Speak: We have an opportunity.
Translation: You have a problem.

Management Speak: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
Translation: This is awful.

Management Speak: In a perfect world.
Translation: Just get it working and get it out the door.

Management Speak: Help me to understand.
Translation: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

Management Speak: You just don't understand our business.
Translation: We don't understand our business.

Management Speak: You need to see the big picture.
Translation: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

Management Speak: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
Translation: &%^$ you.

Management Speak: I appreciate your contribution.
Translation: @#%* you!

Management Speak: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
Translation: We're going to do it my way.

Management Speak: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
Translation: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

Management Speak: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
Translation: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

Management Speak: We have to make better use of  our resources.
Translation: You're working weekends.

Management Speak: Individual contributor.
Translation: Employee who does real work.

Management Speak: Your project is on hold.
Translation: We've put a bullet in it.

Management Speak: Wrong answer.
Translation: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

Management Speak: You needed to be more proactive.
Translation: You should have protected me from myself.

Management Speak: I'd like your buy-in on this.
Translation: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

Management Speak: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
Translation: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

Management Speak: We need to involve all the stakeholders in this decision.
Translation: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

Management Speak: We have to put on our marketing hats.
Translation: We have to put ethics aside.

Management Speak: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
Translation: I don't know how to do it.

Management Speak: It's a no-brainer.
Translation: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

Management Speak: I'm glad you asked me that.
Translation: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

Management Speak: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
Translation: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

Management Speak: There are larger issues at stake.
Translation: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

Management Speak: I'll never lie to you.
Translation: The truth will change frequently.

Management Speak: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
Translation: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

Management Speak: Value-added.
Translation: Expensive.

Management Speak: Human Resources.
Translation: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

Management Speak: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
Translation: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

 

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Guide to Senior Medical Staff When Attending Courses

 

As a delegate only.

As a member of faculty.

 

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If you have any jokes, sayings or philosophy that encapsulate the essence of Orthopaedics

Please send me them - e-mail me at:- peter@kayr.demon.co.uk

 

 

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